Your hands smell of garlic and you're finally alone. And finally, at
last, you let go. There is no greater truth than what you saw yesterday.
(Witnessing connection.) The cigarette burns a hole in your mouth and
sadness oozes out. You know, this will take time, you know. Horniness is
omnipresent, it settles in the little nooks between emotions which surface
in words and become hard and you jerk them off and it's easy again,
you see each other, you smile. Can we kiss despite my sore throat? We did.
And munching almonds and imposter curry that doesn't arrive. It's
this time of the year when we realise so little is still possible.
It's damp and you get blown away but not by possibility but by
austerity. A time of survival and holding on (to each other). I told you
things are changing. They are not. It's change that I want. I want to
roll out of this space, fold against new ghh different matter. Two years
is a career benchmark, three years is a relationship benchmark. Sit on
those benches. When talking to Leto I had an image of spheric plateaus
floating and overlapping and im kinda stuck on it. Looping. Gummy
stretches and rapid contractions. Slow extensions. There is only feeling.
In the city there is only work. You either work or consume. I can't
sit still. I like how poetry makes me feel. And I would like a tea.
It's so clear when you care about someone. When they're not there
this is this dry hole in the middle of your body. It's missing them.
You wonder what they're doing right now. You wonder what people do
when they're alone. Being alone is not regular to you. Does it have
much regularity anyway? How does it feel to be left? How does it feel not
to be with this person anymore? Is this why he mentioned grieving?
I will be walking today. As my spine pulls I cannot stop myself from
gazing at my floppy skin that miraculously reattached to my finger
overnight. One can find most magic in the body. There is no overwriting
anymore. There is only this pain that centralizes your thoughts; pain is
the only thing that can take over the negative space. Or anger too, maybe?
Loneliness is the biggest harm. I am also daydreaming about potentially
doing a trip to the sea and/or to the mountain (hike). Both could be
writing trips. I will take many papers. A lot of the times I feel like I
carry the incredible skill of stretching time. An hour is infinity, an
hour is a minute. I have time for all of you. I do think it's linked
to wealth. From now on I only like work that accommodates change of plans.
It's been so long since I've been away. I'm reiterating, arms
stretched in two directions. TAKE ME OUT. Embrace locality but how not to
suffocate? (like think of the fumes literally.) Laughing and orgasming is
the only gateway out of pain. What does it tell us, hum? I love being
twelve at a restaurant. I really don't want to get out of this couch.
I have to go. I see blue sky behind the window. This week I learned that
limits make growth possible.